Mel: (screaming) Why does it have to be so hard?

I would love for someone to answer one simple question for me. Why is it that "christian relationships" are so hard? I mean working in ministry at church is one of the hardest things you can do as a person. I mean really. Why can't people just fully listen to others, and speak truthfully and openly about their thoughts, desires, concerns etc. Maybe it is me. Maybe I am just a jackass and I am hard to work with. If that is the case someone please tell me. I am just so very frustrated with "communication" in the midst of ministry. It would be much easier to not give a rip and walk away. I really do wish I could do that. I just don't know how. I just feel like you take a bunch of adults and put them in a church, tell them to do ministry together and they turn into a Jr. high school lunch room. Why does everything have to be so hard and take so long. Why can't I just walk away, can I just walk away, please.

Emma Cheering at High School Game

That's right Emma is a cheerleader. I know crazy. How did I get a cheerleading daughter. God is prety funny. I do have to say it is pretty fun to go and cheer with her from the stands. It is also fun to see her get all excited and hyped up after she has cheered in front of a crowd.

Tears

Have you noticed tears come in all different forms. They can be happy like when you are laughing so hard you can't breath and tears roll down your face. They can be from sadness, from lose. They can be from loneliness. From being scared or nervous. Sometimes they are from frustration. Sometimes they are so soft you don't even notice them. Sometimes they are so abundant they make you face and collar damp. Sometimes your feelings can be wrapped up in a single tear. But sometimes they roll down your check falling off your chin and they burn you skin the whole way. This I think comes from the raw emotion these tears hold. And there are still other times that your tears are so dear and meaningful to how you feel that your body won't let them out and that is sometimes the most painful.

Why?

Tonight I had a great talk with a great friend. The only bad thing about it was it was online and not in a coffee shop or over a beer. We are both in this place in our lives where we feel like we are in the ocean and we don't know which way to swim. We haven't given up we just don't know the direction to head. He was the youth leader here when I left years ago. He has since left and moved to Washington state. He is a great musician and song writer. He is trying to pull his music together with a band and/or on his own. He feels he doesn't know how it will work or what will come of it or how to do it. He doesn't know why. I am feeling like I was made for youth ministry. Yet God doesn't seem to want me in youth ministry, He has me in Woman's ministry. A place where I feel like I am spinning my wheels and everything is a big fight. I feel judged by some people who are in leadership over me. I am frustrated by where I am and what I am doing. We talked about how we both don't want to be the same ol church people. We want to be raw from within. We want to challenge people and have people react. The problem with that is we don't want the negative reaction. When we get the slightest negative response we feel judged and we let it get to us. I want my confidence to come from God. I want to be the person He created me to be. In all my strangeness. Why is it so hard to let go of how we feel other people see us. It is stupid. I thought it would be good to have some sort of cheesy rainbow WWJD bracelet to wear. When we see it it would remind us to live in the moment and not worry about all the other crap. But it needs to be something more in your face than a bracelet, like a shock collar. I want to be like Jesus. I want to live in the moment, be content, be who I am and be confident in who God has made me to be. I want to grow and be challenged. I want to love in a way that is beyond me. We also talked about starting a church. About having a church in an old wearhouse with no heat some place uncomfortable. That way the people who are there really want to be there. It would be amazing to be surrounded by people who want so much to be in fellowship to worship God that they would step out of their box to do it.

I have one more day before the new year

Okay it is time to pull it together. I only have one more day until the new year. I feel like the last month or so I have been in a low point. I haven't had motivation. I have a lot to do and I need to pull it together. I am starting to feel sick, with a cold. That doesn't help with the motivation thing. I am thinking if I spend a minute complaining about not getting anything done and having a lot to do it will help. See I can go back and read this and realize what an ass I am and get off my ass and get something done. There is a lot of planning type things to do with a 2 year old birthday party, and a woman's retreat, and fund raiser. There is a lot of things to do around the house, finish floors, fix gutters, paint, base board, clean closets and such out, cleaning. Also starting to look for a new house, then there will be packing and buying and selling a house. That is just two parts of my life. I just need to get over it and get it done. Sorry you all had to listen to the complaining, but hopefully it will help. I hope you all have a great last day of 2008.

Coming to the end of a year

I know I suck and I haven't written in a long time. I can't believe Christmas is over and we are coming to the end of 2008. I will give a brief update from our family and will try to do a better job of keeping this blog up to date. I hope you all had a great Christmas.
Emma and Maggie are growing up very fast. Emma has one semester left of preschool and then next year will be a kindergartner. She is very excited to grow up and be a big girl. She asked for an Ipod for Christmas and was very excited by every big girl thing she was given. She also wants us to buy a new house so she can have her own room. I can't believe I have a teenager in a 4 year old body as a daughter. This year she is doing gymnastics and cheer leading. She loves both of them and can't wait until February when they have a cheer competition. Maggie is growing up as well, but she is still a toddler and very much 2 even though we still have a few weeks before she actually turns 2. She has a great personality and loves to pick on people. She likes to cheer with her big sister for the Vandals, and I figure they can use all the cheering they can get. She also loves horses, elephants and Elmo. Andy and I are just trucking through life trying to find time to spend together and as a family. We are both still very involved at church. He is leading music in a band and I am on the Woman's ministry team. This is a huge change for me, and has been a struggle. I know God has a plan and I will just keep doing what He puts in front of me. Andy has been writing music with the guys in his band and they played their first gig at our Christmas party this month. It was a lot of fun, and great to see him doing what he loves. We are looking to buy a bigger house hopefully sometime between now and spring. I am also counting down the days until my best friend moves out here from Virgina. That pretty much catches you up. I hope you all have a great new year and like I said I will try and keep you posted.

We will miss you

Lillian we will miss you! Lillian Craig is a beautiful two year old who was fighting Leukemia. This morning she lost that fight. We know she is with our Lord Jesus Christ and is without pain or sickness. My prayers go out to her family, Mom, Dad and brother James. We love you all very much.