Mel: (screaming) Why does it have to be so hard?

I would love for someone to answer one simple question for me. Why is it that "christian relationships" are so hard? I mean working in ministry at church is one of the hardest things you can do as a person. I mean really. Why can't people just fully listen to others, and speak truthfully and openly about their thoughts, desires, concerns etc. Maybe it is me. Maybe I am just a jackass and I am hard to work with. If that is the case someone please tell me. I am just so very frustrated with "communication" in the midst of ministry. It would be much easier to not give a rip and walk away. I really do wish I could do that. I just don't know how. I just feel like you take a bunch of adults and put them in a church, tell them to do ministry together and they turn into a Jr. high school lunch room. Why does everything have to be so hard and take so long. Why can't I just walk away, can I just walk away, please.

Emma Cheering at High School Game

That's right Emma is a cheerleader. I know crazy. How did I get a cheerleading daughter. God is prety funny. I do have to say it is pretty fun to go and cheer with her from the stands. It is also fun to see her get all excited and hyped up after she has cheered in front of a crowd.

Tears

Have you noticed tears come in all different forms. They can be happy like when you are laughing so hard you can't breath and tears roll down your face. They can be from sadness, from lose. They can be from loneliness. From being scared or nervous. Sometimes they are from frustration. Sometimes they are so soft you don't even notice them. Sometimes they are so abundant they make you face and collar damp. Sometimes your feelings can be wrapped up in a single tear. But sometimes they roll down your check falling off your chin and they burn you skin the whole way. This I think comes from the raw emotion these tears hold. And there are still other times that your tears are so dear and meaningful to how you feel that your body won't let them out and that is sometimes the most painful.

Why?

Tonight I had a great talk with a great friend. The only bad thing about it was it was online and not in a coffee shop or over a beer. We are both in this place in our lives where we feel like we are in the ocean and we don't know which way to swim. We haven't given up we just don't know the direction to head. He was the youth leader here when I left years ago. He has since left and moved to Washington state. He is a great musician and song writer. He is trying to pull his music together with a band and/or on his own. He feels he doesn't know how it will work or what will come of it or how to do it. He doesn't know why. I am feeling like I was made for youth ministry. Yet God doesn't seem to want me in youth ministry, He has me in Woman's ministry. A place where I feel like I am spinning my wheels and everything is a big fight. I feel judged by some people who are in leadership over me. I am frustrated by where I am and what I am doing. We talked about how we both don't want to be the same ol church people. We want to be raw from within. We want to challenge people and have people react. The problem with that is we don't want the negative reaction. When we get the slightest negative response we feel judged and we let it get to us. I want my confidence to come from God. I want to be the person He created me to be. In all my strangeness. Why is it so hard to let go of how we feel other people see us. It is stupid. I thought it would be good to have some sort of cheesy rainbow WWJD bracelet to wear. When we see it it would remind us to live in the moment and not worry about all the other crap. But it needs to be something more in your face than a bracelet, like a shock collar. I want to be like Jesus. I want to live in the moment, be content, be who I am and be confident in who God has made me to be. I want to grow and be challenged. I want to love in a way that is beyond me. We also talked about starting a church. About having a church in an old wearhouse with no heat some place uncomfortable. That way the people who are there really want to be there. It would be amazing to be surrounded by people who want so much to be in fellowship to worship God that they would step out of their box to do it.