Two people with one body

I feel like I am one body with two people living in it. They are both very strong willed, have strong opinions that are opposite each other. I spend most of my day in the middle of this very brutal boxing match, with no gloves. There is the one side who Loves the Lord and wants to serve Him with everything I have. I want to be the best Mom, wife, friend. I feel confident in who I am. I have goals and desires. I love food and working out. I love to have fun. The other person is defeated. Yells and gets angry about everything. Doesn't want to take the time to do anything good. I don't have motivation to do anything with the kids, to clean the house. (I love a clean house) I don't feel like putting the effort into doing fun things with my family. I don't read my Bible or put really any effort into my Bible Study. (Which I teach) I hate food it is my enemy. I hate my body, I hate myself. My brain tells me everyday how bad I am at everything. Thinking about food makes me want to throw up. I have muster up all the energy in my body to make myself eat, because the thought of not eating seems like the best way to like my body. I really can't believe I am writ ting this. It almost makes me want to throw up know people I love and people I don't even know can read this. I just feel like I can't live like this anymore. I feel like I am getting my ass kicked from the inside out. When the match is over I sit in the corner on my little stool and God asks "Are you done yet? I am here and I can end this, just ask." I can't make myself say a word. I can't even move, I am frozen in the midst of the pain and confusion. When I try to talk to people about this I feel dumb and the mean person tells me I am making it all up and nobody cares. I live on the edge of tears and most people I talk to in a day have no idea. Now I guess more people know. Part of me hates that, I just want to keep on living like things are okay. I know logically I can't do that, so here it is in black and white. If you read this thanks for listening. Please don't feel sorry for me that is not what I want. I just needed to get it out, because without doing that I can't move on. If you are a person who prays please pray. I could use some encouragement. I could also use a really good day. Thanks again Love to you all.