Friday, October 12, 2007
I feel like I have hit my limit
Do you ever hit a point in life when you feel like you can't take anymore. Like no one ever listens, or really even notices. Like you are just spinning your wheels and going through life not doing anything well and really not having a good time. I am not trying to say I have the worst life ever and my life is no fun. I know that is not what it is about, and I do have fun once in a while. But I really feel like everything I do is mediocre and everyday is the same and if I went away it really wouldn't be a big deal. I am involved in three ministries at church none of which am I gifted at. I am not wanted in the area I am gifted. I feel like I am home with my kids 24/7 and I am not even doing a good job with them. My husband is always at work or at home working. When he gets a break he gets to leave town with his friends and go fishing. I am glad he gets to go and have fun, but I really just wonder when is it my turn. All of these unsupportive thoughts about my husband show me I'm not even a good wife. I feel like I am always tired, stressed, angry at something, and I never really feel good about myself. I think I could cry at just about any moment. I love being a Mom and a wife and being involved in the church but sometimes I wonder if I should have done something else in life. If there is another path that I would have succeeded at. I like to excel at things and right now I am not, am I just being selfish and whinny. I hate feeling this way, I know it is up to me to change things and I know that my relationship with God isn't in the best place. When I think about how my life is and how I feel about myself I don't think I have the strength to fix it. I know turning to God and relighting the fire is the answer to solve most of the problem, but lets be honest there are many other things that I need to do and get under control. I feel like even now I am rambling and not saying much. I think I just need to get this out. I haven't slept but a few hours this week and I am sure that is adding to the way I feel. Please pray that my heart doesn't explode from the stress, and anger. I need to deal with my anger, but that has always been a hard thing for me. If you read this thanks for listening, please don't worry I am sure it is not as bad as it sounds. Like I said I am a little on edge right now and very tired. I really just need a break.
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2 comments:
Hey, I know how you feel, it feels like I'm at that place most of the time. I know I can't relate to being a mom or a wife but I do know, that you're doing a great job at it. I know it seems rough now, but whe you look back it won't look so bad. Hey you're there when they need you the most, and that's vital. As for being the wife someone veery wise once told me that there are going to be valleys and mountains, and alot of the time it's going to feel like you're in the valley, but you won't always be there. Designate a night, where you go out, like when you were here, it always helps to have that one day to look forward to. Those days are Friday's for me, not because I'm off work but because I get to spend time with people (actually just one) I love, and sometimes even get to have lunch with. It's one day, sometimes one hour but it's worth it. I also don't know what to say about the church thing because...well sometimes I feel at that same place. I'll be praying for you. I wish you were here so we could sit out in the parking lot for hours on end talkig like we use to...omg! I forgot to tell you...Joey and I went to applebees and Sisco was still there at the bar...it made me miss you so much...I didn't tell Joey ALL the stories with us and Sisco but they were FAN-FRIGGIN-TABULOUS! I love you!
Hey Mel -
There have been plenty of times that I and everyone around me that i know have been at that perceived breaking point.
I'm not sure that I know how to take the fact that it's just the people around me that get to that breaking point...
Actually it's not about me.
You probably really are at your limit. And as much as you don't like it and as much as it sucks, it's still good because without reaching your limit, your limit will never expand.
When I started running, I couldn't run a half a mile. Running a half mile was my limit. But because I continued to run a half mile over and over again, my limit grew. And now I can run a whole half a mile plus one tenth.
(OK, I can run a little further, but if I A.D.D. down that road then I'll get so far off topic that I'll forget where I was in this story.)
Now, where was I?
Anyway, so since I can run a half mile plus one tenth (that makes 6 tenths, or 0.6 miles - I learned that in algebra. Math with fractions is sometimes hard to remember. I had this algebra teacher when I was in 7th grade. She was very pretty and she smelled nice. It made it hard to learn.)
Where was I?
Oh yeah. I can jump longer on the trampeline now with my kids because I don't pass out from all the exertion.
That never would have happened if I hadn't gotten past my limits.
I still don't like running.
And I don't know if you have a trampoline or not, so maybe this doesn't apply to you.
Did you ever wonder why God lets bad stuff happen to us?
It's because if nothing bad ever happened, then we would think things that weren't really bad, like getting cut off in traffic, was really bad. So bad that it made us mad and ruined our day. It's not really that bad. It's only a tenth of a second of my day. But if that was the worst thing that ever happened to me, then it would seem bad and I would let it ruin my day.
So bad stuff happens. And we grow. ANd then when other bad stuff happens, it doesn't seem so bad.
And we go through seasons that seem tough. And they suck. But then later our other seasons don't seem so tough and because that first season sucked so bad.
So why have the first season that sucked so bad?
Because you're destined for great things. And when you cause great things to happen, you get great opposition.
And if you get great opposition and you aren't ready for it or you aren't strong enough then you fail.
And that can't happen. Because what you're called to is too important to let you fail.
So there's this valley. And it sucks.
I'm sorry.
I don't even know if you have a trampoline.
Do they have tramponlines in Iowa?
Or is it Illanoise?
And stop beating yourself up for not being a good enough Christian.
God doesn't want you to do that. It doesn't impress Him.
I don't see a trampoline in your yard when I look at your house on Google Earth. I just see a giant thumb tack through your garage.
I'm glad nobody was in there.
That would hurt.
A lot.
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